So, if all you’re trying to accomplish is some correction, why do you avoid these conversations at all cost? The excuses I’ve heard run the gamut. Are any of these familiar?

· I feel bad. Everyone is so busy.
· They should just know what to do.
· They might quit.
· They get really defensive when I try to talk to them about anything.
· It’s just easier to do it myself.
· I don’t like to be mean.

Meanwhile, having these conversations is vital to the success of the organization and also, I’ve found, to the mental well being of the leader. Do you really want to spend your work hours feeling resentful, burned out and overwhelmed?

Humans haven’t mastered the art of mind reading yet so if you want someone to conduct him or herself differently you are going to have to let them know, verbally and succinctly. And, sometimes, you may need to utilize negative consequences to really drive the point home.

I have found that creating the right mindset will set the tone for a great meeting. Instead of focusing on anything from the list above, use the simple list below. You don’t have to say these things out loud. Just be thinking them and let the new mindset guide how you engage in the conversation. It will change the way you approach the conversation in a miraculous way.

• I Want You to Be Successful
• I Will Define What Success Is
• I Will Communicate that Definition to You
• You Will Have a Choice
• I Hope You Choose Well

Like everything else in life, the more you do them, the easier they become. And, in the case of correction conversations, hopefully, the more you do them the less you’ll need to do!

Also see the related article “Tackle the 4 D’s of Discipline Avoidance” http://focusforwardcoaching.com/tackle-the-4-ds-of-discipline-avoidance/

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I prescribe to the concept of taking preventative measures to avoid drama between co-workers.  And when I say drama, I mean non-productive disagreement.  There are times when co-workers will not agree over a best process or over the one year goal of a department.  That kind of disagreement, handled professionally, is healthy for the organization.  Disagreeing because one is having an affair with the other’s boyfriend, however, is not.

As a leader, you set the tone for your team.  You can tell them up front what will be tolerated and what will not.  Tell them that they don’t have to like each other but they do need to respect each other and that work time must be productive.

If it is a work related disagreement, encourage them to speak directly to the person they have an issue with and teach them assertive communication techniques.  Communication must always be respectful and appropriate.  When you first implement this new environment you can start by acting as a facilitator of appropriate conversations to model quality communication.

The other conversations that do not pertain to work must happen outside of work and any resulting conflict must not impact productivity.  Period.

If they are not able to adhere to the above, walk them through your discipline process and out the door.  Bickering with a co-worker may not be as tempting if the stakes become that high.

The fact that they are not yelling at each other is not the litmus test that determines whether or not they are angry. More often it means that they are avoiding conflict, stuffing their feelings, and, as an alternative, building a wall of resentments between those with whom they live and work.

The anger management movement was certainly a step in the right direction. It moved us away from being overtly disrespectful to each other. But too many have gotten the wrong message. The goal of respectful, assertive communication somehow got lost along the way.

And, in its wake are a generation of people who feel that everything is great if they do not express anger or frustration, who choose, instead, to suffer in silence, hold tension in their bodies or eat away the pain.

And every conversation that ends with unspoken thoughts, unresolved issues or communication that didn’t actually happen adds another brick in a wall that sits between people and robs the world of a team’s best efforts.

Willful control should not be the gold standard. I say we move the bar beyond putting on a brave face, wearing a mask and smiling through the hurt. Let’s aim higher and shoot, instead, for anger elimination! .

There are a few simple techniques that can change your perspective or get you into action BEFORE there is a buildup of anger or resentment. Get it all out and resolved respectfully so there is nothing to “manage.”

If you are like a lot of my clients, implementing just these 3 important techniques will help you eliminate a lot of your anger:

Reality-Check Your Assumptions: A quote my clients hear from me often is, “get out of the world of assumption!” When our feelings are based on what is imagined rather than on fact we can really get the creative juices flowing. And often the stories we create will drum up a lot of anger and frustration. Be aware of when you are in the realm of a created reality away from the world of fact. Rather than assume, go have a clarifying conversation. Ask questions, find out why. Things often look very different once you have the real information and the other person’s perspective.

Pay Attention to Intent: I always recommend that my clients pay attention to people’s intentions. When we are unhappy with an outcome I will hazard to guess that, in most cases, it is not the result of malicious intent. Your dissatisfaction is just an unfortunate byproduct of another’s good intentions that were focused elsewhere. Even though it’s nice to believe, the world just doesn’t revolve around you at all times. And, if you assign mal-intent when none exists you are ramping up the anger without good reason. Tell yourself a different story.

So, for instance, that project that was put on hold that you’d been working so hard on isn’t really an indication that your boss was trying to sideline your career. Perhaps the budget cuts in the department were the true cause. If you can look objectively at her intentions it will help you feel less angry. Story out, facts in.

Speak Up as Issues Pop Up: If you are feeling uncomfortable about something, don’t like a decision, have an opinion, SPEAK UP! If you don’t give yourself a voice the little things will build and build. Soon you’ll have a volcano of emotion that will come out one way or another. At that point it’s even harder to speak up as you work to manage the build up! If, instead, you address the little things as they come there will be less to be frustrated about. Practice using your voice.

Over the years I have lived by a rule that has helped me tremendously. I will not be angry with someone I have not shared my feelings with. So, if I have not spoken up and given someone the opportunity to factor in my opinions or perspective I do not have the right to be angry. I take responsibility for my silence. This helps me get into action or drop a hurt that isn’t worth my time or energy. Keep in mind, drop does not mean stuff!

Applying these three important techniques will eliminate a lot of your anger. If you need additional assistance contact me! I am on a mission to help people live the lives they were designed to live and anger elimination is one key ingredient to getting there!

It’s an important question because the reality is, in life; lettuce in our teeth is one of the milder issues. So many things can escape our notice. That outside, objective perspective so often provides a much clearer view. But will the people in our lives share what they see?

It begs the question; what kinds of people am I doing life with? I thought of several categories. Which best describe your friends, family members, colleagues and acquaintances?

1. No laugh – No tell – No Gossip: This person sees the issue but diverts their eyes. They bury the secret deep. They never speak of it. Not to you or anyone else. So, on the one hand, they are not engaging in recreational communication at your expense. That is good. However, you are not receiving the benefit of their perspective.

2. Tell – Gossip: At least this kind of friend does tell you. But then they proceed to spread the good word far and wide. Talking to individuals not involved for recreation.

3. Laugh – No Tell – Gossip – Laugh More: This is the worst. They say nothing to you but tell everyone else they know to get a good laugh about it later at your expense. I have to admit, with some embarrassment, to an incident where I absolutely did this. I will give myself grace, however. It was high school and it involved our math teacher. His pants were split up the entire back and he had no idea. He kept walking around the room bending over to help various students with their assignment. I would not react the same now, but back then life couldn’t get any better.

4. Tell – Support – Done: These friends will point it out and then give you the response you need to work through it, whether it’s a good laugh at the object stuck in your teeth or compassion for the mess you’ve made in your life. And then it’s done. They will not speak of it to others. There is no need for gossip.

I think that any of us would prefer the friend who will point it out with compassion and let us work through it. Sometimes the lettuce is an attitude or a behavior. Maybe it’s a choice we’ve made. No one is perfect so we all experience moments where we need that clear outside perspective.

So, what kind of company are you keeping? Are there some relationships that need work or need to go?

And, perhaps more importantly, which kind of friend are you? To what lengths are you willing to go to be the got your back person to the people in your life? Sometimes it is scary to share what we see. So, what kind of friend will you be?

Some employees, however, have no desire to change and will do whatever it takes to remain stuck where they are.  I will term these employees “problem employees.”  These are the team members who probably do not belong and will ultimately be walked through your discipline process and out the door, if you choose to follow through.

Problem employees will often use tactics to avoid owning their bad behavior.  They are stuck in a rut and have no desire to change.  Too often leaders become paralyzed by the resulting fear of experiencing these tactics.  They adopt a keep quiet approach to the detriment of the team as everyone is robbed of the opportunity for constructive feedback.

That, obviously, is not the best strategy.  Instead, let’s arm you with some tools to bust the 4 D’s of discipline avoidance so that you can move forward with the communication that must happen for your team to excel.

#1.  Deflection:  an employee utilizing this tactic will bring up everything under the sun to highjack the meeting.  Their goal is to change the topic and move the conversation away from them.  You’ll hear about all the wrong doings of your management team, fellow employees and systems.  You may hear about issues going on in their lives.  Do not fall prey. 

Following them down the rabbit trails will just leave both of you confused.  You will run out of time before you get to the topic you intended.  They will leave feeling like, “phew, bought myself more time.”  And the same behavior will continue.

Stick to your agenda no matter what.  They may get more and more creative as the meeting progresses.  Stick to your guns.  Your number one goal is to maintain control of the meeting and stick to the topic.  If they do happen upon an issue that deserves further investigation jot it down as an action item to tackle after the meeting and move on.

 Use phrases like these:

•  “We are not here to discuss that right now.  We are here to talk about you.”
• “That is not your concern.  I need you to focus on your own issues and the changes you must make to be successful.”
• “I understand that that must be difficult for you.  I encourage you to speak to a professional about that.  In the mean time, let’s focus on your work here.”

#2.  Denial:  Some employees will vehemently deny responsibility when the hard evidence is sitting right in front of them.  It does not matter.  You may not ever convince them or get them to own up.  And, unfortunately, that is the first step required for them to make real change.  Most who adopt this avoidance technique will not be successful.  Use phrases like these:

• “I am concerned that you are not able to take responsibility.  If you are unwilling to acknowledge you were in error I feel that you will not make the changes required to be successful.”
• “I am not here to debate what happened.  I am here to talk about next steps with you based on what did happen.”
• “You will have an opportunity to speak briefly and add your comments to the form at the end.  For now I need you to listen to me.”

#3.  Defensiveness:  employees will vary in the degree to which they will defend themselves and at times can become quite angry.  The fear of this response is one that stops many of my clients.  However, you can not relinquish control by letting fear stop you.  In this instance you must maintain control of the meeting.  Do not allow them to escalate.  Use phrases like: 

• “I need you to use a softer tone.”
• “Please watch your language.”
• “You must decrease the volume of your voice.”
• “I need you to calm down and listen.”
• “This is not appropriate behavior.” 

 Speak at a normal pace and use soft tones.  Try not to match their volume.  This can help bring them back down.  Continue to be encouraging.  Let them know that you are hoping that they will make the right choice and will be successful.

•  “I want you to be successful.  I am hoping that you hear me today and make the right choices going forward.”
• “I need you to stop and listen because I really want you to get this one now.”
• “Your success begins with you listening to me and actually hearing what I am saying to you.”

#4.  De-Friending:  Yes, sometimes the people who report to you won’t like you.  They must treat you with respect.  They must do their jobs but they don’t have to like or agree with everything you do and that has to be okay with you.  Period.  Please don’t let the fear of their disapproval cause you to give away power to your team.

 If an employee begins hurling threats that remind you of high school combat them with phrases like these:

•  “I am sorry to hear that.  I will continue to respect you and really do hope that you do what is necessary to be successful.”
• “This is not personal.  It is about the job.  I really hope that you hear what I say today and make the right choices.”

I hope that these tools help you get into action with your problem employees.  You owe it to the rest of your team, yourself and your business to hold everyone on your team accountable to standards of excellence.

How often is this our reaction to waiting, though? Practicing the art of patience is difficult in an instant gratification world! We want what we want and we want it now. Gone are the days of quilting circles where the satisfaction of a finished product was months away.

In today’s world our expectations of time are calibrated by fast food restaurants, high speed internet and 24/7 news brought to us real-time via television or social media. Our attention spans seem to shorten by the month.

Brian Regan, a great comedian, jokes about the two sets of instructions on a Pop Tart box. If you can’t squeeze in the 3 minutes it takes to toast the pastry you can opt for the time-saving 3 second microwave option. As he puts it, “If you have to zap-fry your Pop Tart you need to loosen up your schedule!”

How often is our worry, frustration or disappointment the result of unrealistic expectations around time? “What’s taking them so long?” “Why haven’t they finished yet?” “I need to know now!”

I must admit that I fall prey to this mindset myself. In pursuit of achieving and doing I try to fill every moment of every day with efficiency and multi-tasking. How much can I get done? How much can I move off my plate? But the reality is that it won’t all get done. Some things will have to wait and so will I.

According to dictionary.com the definition of patience is “the ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.”

So, as is often the case, it is up to us to choose how we react to the inevitable. We can require immediate outcomes only to experience disappointment and frustration or we can practice the art of patience where it is less about doing and more about being. Focus on the what is more than the what if and experience life as a journey rather than a series of endpoints. Ease the pace, take a breath and wait. Some of life’s sweetest moments happen here if you linger long enough.

When you work on a puzzle you know what the goal is.  You have a clear vision of what the end product should be: 

•   It must resemble the picture on the box. �
•   There should be no blank spaces. �
•   Each puzzle piece must have a home.  

So, there is only one specific outcome but there are a million different ways to get there.

Some people use the box cover as a road map working on one section at a time.  Others separate out the border pieces first to start with the frame and work their way in.  Still others focus on only the shapes and have a real knack for visualizing which piece fits where based on their spatial relation skills alone.  

I think that it would be tough to argue that any one way is better, more efficient or enjoyable than any other, though true puzzle enthusiasts might like to wage a debate.

It really made me think about the different ways I could create the analogy to describe how my new clients lead.    

Have you ever done a puzzle with someone standing over your shoulder giving you unsolicited pointers?  It can get very annoying as they constantly point out which pieces go where.  You end up losing your concentration, dropping the piece you were focusing on to work on the one they prefer.

It reduces enjoyment, takes away the personal sense of accomplishment and probably makes the puzzle-making process less efficient.

How about trying to put together a complicated puzzle without the aid of the picture on the box cover?

When you can’t visualize the end point it is much more difficult to get there.

What about working on 4 or 5 puzzles at once all from one pile of pieces?
 

There are so many outcomes and different resources that need to be deciphered and allocated all at once that it becomes confusing and overwhelming.

Have you ever gotten to the end of the hard work of completing the puzzle only to find that you have one or two missing resources and you are unable to complete the job?  

If you are missing resources you can’t complete the task.

Do you like putting together puzzles?   I am not wired well for sitting still and gleaning the assortment of pieces with patience.  If you were in the puzzle-making business you would not want me in your employ.

Do you have team members who are not wired for the work they must do for you?

Which of the above best illustrates your business?

•   Are you standing over their shoulders?
•   Not providing a clear vision of the end goal?
•   Is your team working on too many goals at once?
•   Do you have team members who don’t like the work?

To lead your team well you must create the vision that is as clear as the beautiful picture on the box, assure that all of the pieces are there and that there is a clean surface to work on, assure you have the right people and then let your team go to it!

When it’s the answer to a question we are asking about our lives, however, it can be a bit more difficult.

• Where do I go from here? I don’t know
• What should my next career move be? I don’t know
• Why am I so miserable? I don’t know
• What is my reason for being? I don’t know

That feeling of limbo, the uncertainty of next steps, it’s a tough place to be. It’s like taking a trip without a map. Do I turn right or left? And the weight of even that next little decision seems daunting.

I have definitely been there myself. I can think back to times when I ultimately left a job or a marriage, started a new business. In fact, it seems that I rarely traversed a major life-event without some amount of “I don’t know.”

It can feel awful but, I believe that reaching these plateaus is a normal part of life. It’s the catalyst to the self-exploration that generates transformation or growth.

We live in such fast-paced world where instant gratification is the norm. We feel like we must be doing and achieving all of the time. As an alternative, I ask my clients to think of the plateau as a cocoon phase where the only action is the exploration. It’s the time to sit back, practice patience, think and listen to your heart. Drown out the noise. Avoid the input from others. Pray, if that is in your belief system. Prepare yourself for the big metamorphosis ahead.

And then when you do KNOW, move. Don’t let the fear set in. We can sit perched on the border of that next life decision stuck at ‘what if I’m not ready?”, “what if I fail?”, “what will people think?”.

Sometimes, when you do KNOW, you just have to take that leap of faith and figure it all out as you go. You only need to KNOW your first step. Figure the next one out after that, then the next and then the next. Once you are moving you get momentum and that’s where the true fun begins!

Are you stuck at a plateau and envying the people whose lives appear so joyful and fulfilling? I guarantee you that their journey began with that same answer to a question about life, “I don’t know.” When they hit that place they sat quietly with patience to think, listen and pray. And then, with courage and tenacity, stepped out transformed, to take the first step, then the next and then the next.

You see, you can have it too! Maybe you still “don’t know.” Or maybe you KNOW but are stuck in fear or think you haven’t gotten all figured out. Like that great Nike quote says, “Just Do It!” Take that first step, then the next and then the next. You’ll get there!

Recently, I was at an event and overheard someone talking about how bored they’ve been over the last few months.  It really made me stop and think.  I absolutely can not remember a time when I have felt bored.

I’ve definitely been unproductive, lazy, tired, procrastinating, overwhelmed and many other things that have kept me from getting into gear, though these are rare.  But, bored has never been one.  That feeling that I have nothing to do.

I had to stop and think, “what would that be like?”

Part of me felt a little jealous.  Wow, to just be done with all of the pressing tasks.  No deadlines weighing down, no pressures, no “I really should’s”.  

But, as I thought further, I really became sad for this person.  Because the flip side of “I’m bored” is the missed opportunities for excitement, a sense of accomplishment, fulfilling your passion, living life on purpose, making it happen, getting it done, the exhilaration of hitting a big milestone, or that Ahhhh feeling of rolling into bed after an exceptionally productive day.

I’ll take overwhelmed, stressed and driven any day.  I am blessed to live the full life that I am living.  It’s how we are meant to live. To live any other way means to deny the world of our unique gifts, talents and skills.

Yes, I’m sure I push myself a bit too hard at times.  But the fire in my belly, the energy in my step, the smile on my face and the joy in my life are what it’s all about.  And it’s how you are meant to live too!

What will you do today to make it happen?  Your life is waiting and so is the world!